Emotional closeness with someone outside yourmarriage can wreck your relationship with your spouse, says a research. Simi Kuriakose finds out more...
Here's the case of a man who has been dating a woman for nine years but couldn't marry her because they're from different castes. So like the obedient young Indian son, he decides to settle for an arranged marriage. So what's the dilemma?
He tells his prospect bride, that come what may, he is unwilling to emotionally disconnect from his ex-girlfriend. Reason being, he is emotionally dependent on her. Now this is one marriage with clauses; which apparently works fine for both the bride and groom. But what next? Will the husband ever be able to build an emotional connect with his wife? Won't there be problems in their marriage, because of his emotional intimacy with his ex? So can we rightly equate his emotional intimacy with his ex to infidelity?
The dictionary clearly states infidelity to be a situation in which someone has sex with some other who is not their husband, wife, or partner. But a recent ANI report states that an emotional affair can be as harmful to a marriage as an extra-marital sexual relationship. Experts claim that emotional intimacy with someone other than your partner is also betrayal, as the constant emotional and psychological involvement with another person can siphon off feelings of commitment, contentment and closeness that two partners previously shared. So, maybe you are not sharing a sexual relationship with a friend of yours, but just the fact that you confide in that friend more than your spouse can be reason enough to term you a betrayer.
Sexual affairs can be cut off easier: Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Mansi Hassan says, "Sexual relationships are more a timely affair. Once the attraction subsides, it is easy to disconnect from a sexual affair. But emotional attachment is not the same. And once you become emotionally attached with someone, it is difficult to stop."
Emotional obligation involved: 'How do I leave her after so many years of being emotionally involved?' 'Is it easy to confide in someone new all over again?' There are so many questions that need to be attended. Once you are emotionally anchored to someone, it becomes an obligation. Hassan says that the age-old myth that men can never be emotionally involved with a person is untrue. In fact, men feel the need to take care of someone they emotionally bond with, more than women. But yes, women take longer to get over emotional attachment.
Emotional Attachment can trigger sex too: Consultant psychiatrist Anjali Chhabria says, "Emotional attachment is more about taking away from your spouse what is rightfully theirs. So this can in turn, upset the spouse in question. And the questions are, How do I believe that you won't have sex with that person? What do I/don't I have, that my man has to look elsewhere?" Chhabria also says, that there is a possibility that the partner feels that while having sex, their man might have been fantasising about the other. And such questions remain unanswered, as the spouse might just not be candid in answering them.
Compartmentalise your life: Healthy emotional bonding is alright. If you're talking about work-related issues to a colleague, that is fine. But talking about everything to that person, might not work. So, categorise such that even your spouse won't have a problem.
It's a feel-good factor: Chhabria says that while your spouse shows you the mirror, you end up being emotionally involved with someone in front of whom you can just have a 'goody-two shoes' image. So, in a way, for some people it's escapism from the real person that they are. And then again, like Hassan says, something that is out of reach, ends up being more desirable.
Here's the case of a man who has been dating a woman for nine years but couldn't marry her because they're from different castes. So like the obedient young Indian son, he decides to settle for an arranged marriage. So what's the dilemma?
He tells his prospect bride, that come what may, he is unwilling to emotionally disconnect from his ex-girlfriend. Reason being, he is emotionally dependent on her. Now this is one marriage with clauses; which apparently works fine for both the bride and groom. But what next? Will the husband ever be able to build an emotional connect with his wife? Won't there be problems in their marriage, because of his emotional intimacy with his ex? So can we rightly equate his emotional intimacy with his ex to infidelity?
The dictionary clearly states infidelity to be a situation in which someone has sex with some other who is not their husband, wife, or partner. But a recent ANI report states that an emotional affair can be as harmful to a marriage as an extra-marital sexual relationship. Experts claim that emotional intimacy with someone other than your partner is also betrayal, as the constant emotional and psychological involvement with another person can siphon off feelings of commitment, contentment and closeness that two partners previously shared. So, maybe you are not sharing a sexual relationship with a friend of yours, but just the fact that you confide in that friend more than your spouse can be reason enough to term you a betrayer.
Sexual affairs can be cut off easier: Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Mansi Hassan says, "Sexual relationships are more a timely affair. Once the attraction subsides, it is easy to disconnect from a sexual affair. But emotional attachment is not the same. And once you become emotionally attached with someone, it is difficult to stop."
Emotional obligation involved: 'How do I leave her after so many years of being emotionally involved?' 'Is it easy to confide in someone new all over again?' There are so many questions that need to be attended. Once you are emotionally anchored to someone, it becomes an obligation. Hassan says that the age-old myth that men can never be emotionally involved with a person is untrue. In fact, men feel the need to take care of someone they emotionally bond with, more than women. But yes, women take longer to get over emotional attachment.
Emotional Attachment can trigger sex too: Consultant psychiatrist Anjali Chhabria says, "Emotional attachment is more about taking away from your spouse what is rightfully theirs. So this can in turn, upset the spouse in question. And the questions are, How do I believe that you won't have sex with that person? What do I/don't I have, that my man has to look elsewhere?" Chhabria also says, that there is a possibility that the partner feels that while having sex, their man might have been fantasising about the other. And such questions remain unanswered, as the spouse might just not be candid in answering them.
Compartmentalise your life: Healthy emotional bonding is alright. If you're talking about work-related issues to a colleague, that is fine. But talking about everything to that person, might not work. So, categorise such that even your spouse won't have a problem.
It's a feel-good factor: Chhabria says that while your spouse shows you the mirror, you end up being emotionally involved with someone in front of whom you can just have a 'goody-two shoes' image. So, in a way, for some people it's escapism from the real person that they are. And then again, like Hassan says, something that is out of reach, ends up being more desirable.
Damn, this chick is one of those stealth hottie you would never notice on the street because all you see is a plain Jane geeky girl. But take away the glasses, drop her hair down and lose a few lawyers of clothes and suddenly she is going supernova. She is very hot... She is pretty and her boobs are ridiculously huge (and totally natural) however it is difficult to notice it in most of the photos. She is a teaser so while she leave her pussy in full view she opted to cover her boobs with one hand as she use the other hand to snap pics... I hate when a camwhore is shy with he best assets. But you got to love skinny Asian chicks with big boobs.A little anxiety coupled with moments of anticipation and finally some wild thoughts, the perfect first nightexperience is often sprinkled with moments of coy reservation!
Most couples nurse nervous speculations and deep seated performance anxiety about their first night of closeness. Hearsay from newly wed friends or common beliefs picked up from random sources add to the sexual tension. Knowing the exact way to get it right is an arduous task and if gone wrong, you may end up facing a catastrophic situation in your bedroom with your first nuptial boo-boos.
We spoke to some couples to know the common blunders they made (inadvertently) on their first night. Of course, it wasn't just about 'sex' on the first night, as there were numerous other problems which could ruin the first night craze...
Boo-boo: A moment in haste and its all waste
Without much knowledge about sex, couples encountered awkward situations like premature ejaculation for men or women getting overtly apprehensive about vaginal pain and hymen bleeding. Fear is the biggest factor affecting performance on the first night.
Top Tip: Make the act more pleasurable
No person is a master sex performer, so indulge in a prolonged foreplay session to make your first night a tender bonding experience. Even if things go wrong, stay calm and try again after some time. Sometimes the wedding stress and the discomfort of an all new environment takes a mental toll. The body and mind may not be fully open for the experience of sexual discovery. Being patient is key.
Boo-boo: Experiments can wait
Agreed that it's your first time with your partner, but don't get overtly excited. Couples are all geared up to try new acts in bed, but first try and figure out your partner's comfort quotient.
Top Tip: Every night is a first night
Don't think that the first night is your 'one and only' chance to make love passionately, with time your bond will grow even more special with your better half. The first night is just the beginning of pleasures. Don't fret and waste it in performance anxiety!
Boo-boo: Look sexy in tradition
It's believed that a bride must remain in her wedding outfit and let the husband come and lift up the veil ('ghoongat'). But modern day brides aren't too interested in donning the ostentatious outfit for too long and the minute they enter the bedroom; they prefer to undress into a sexy lingerie/night gown. Now, no matter how sensuous your night gown maybe, it doesn't have the same charm as a wedding ensemble. This fashion faux pas forms a lesser known, but common goof-up for brides.
Top Tip: Gifts Galore
As the husband lifts up the veil of the bride's wedding outfit, she's entitled to a surprise gift (for 'mooh dikhayee'). Rings, pendants, necklaces are passé; think of something out-of-the-blue, maybe a romantic honeymoon package, which she would be least expecting or a glamorous outfit, a transparent, hot dress, which you'd like her to get clad in just for your eyes.
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